Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
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McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I mean…but I did
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*