@daemonic3

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

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@DairylandDon

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

@DanBlackAttack

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

@UnFitz

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

@StruggleDisplay

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

@daemonic3

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

@SteveDutzy

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

@badbanana

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

@KatMcSnatch

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

@FKACornshucks

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

@Kali_Mura

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.