Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
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looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING