If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
You Might Also Like
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.