Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
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me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
first you must answer his riddles
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total