I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
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My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!