If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
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Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
our love story in four pictures
You got this…
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.