10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
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[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana