You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
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I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
This one’s “Alex”.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Bike for sale
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I’m giving up ice.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Why am I like this?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.