My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
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I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Anyone really
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.