I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
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I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.