me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.![]()
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Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?