me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
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I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing