°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
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Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
ouch
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Worth remembering.