Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
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me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.