Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
You Might Also Like
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
For anyone who needs this today
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.