Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
You Might Also Like
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.