can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
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My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”