Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
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Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that