absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
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Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.