me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
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Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?