Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
58.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD