Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I drew y’all a little something.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.