For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
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Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*