agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
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Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.