agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
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Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
6: are snakes just neck?
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.