“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
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Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.