safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
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[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!