Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
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I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can鈥檛 wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Mhm.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: *lighting candles* don鈥檛 mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i鈥檓 allergic to flowers.
– i know…
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Yep, it’s true馃憞馃徏馃槀馃槀馃槀
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I asked my brothers why they鈥檙e getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum馃槕
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it鈥檚 so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I鈥檒l huff and I鈥檒l puff and I鈥檒l get light headed then have to lay down.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can鈥檛 wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..