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It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND