Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
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Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Science memes
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.