People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
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Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.