I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
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[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
When you’re Kinky but poor
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
When your man makes a valid point