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I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…