Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
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How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.