Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
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*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
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I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Still a very good boi….
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.