Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
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[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
My new favorite headline
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
In banana years, I am bread.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?