everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
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Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.