…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
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imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment