Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
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“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping