trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
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Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER