Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
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I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday