Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
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were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
God, I love Scotland
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather