I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
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Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.