Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
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cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
He a real one for that
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,
I’m a terrible gardener.
The stickier the better.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”