Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
![]()
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
![]()
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
![]()