Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
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I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
#polloftheday
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Seems a bit forward
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys