[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
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On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Netflix: We have Less
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Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”