[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher