@cepheusjackson

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

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@WilliamAder

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

@PaperWash

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

@TheToddWilliams

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

@audrawilliams

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

@MariyaAlexander

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

@causticbob

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”