WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
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The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.