how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
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me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.