@WilliamAder If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
@cepheusjackson WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
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@WilliamAder 
@PaperWash Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
@TheToddWilliams [The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
@FormerHumorist “Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
@OtherDanOBrien ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
@audrawilliams In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
@MariyaAlexander Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
@causticbob Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
@ManLikeGinola 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
