Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
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Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me