Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
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What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
True?
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed