I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
You Might Also Like
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
This is me 🤣🤣
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself