I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
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Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Vodka burrito was a success
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.