Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
This is the one
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.