Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

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Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31


Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.


Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.


[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen


DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?


Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.


I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.


INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit


Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands