Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
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A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?