Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
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I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them