Me recordaron éste meme
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ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question